* CONSIDER YOURSELVES WARNED *
For those of you who will be attending the DFW Bloggers’ painting party and meet-and-greet extravaganza Saturday evening in Fort Worth, I’d like to briefly introduce myself and give you fair warning about a few important things. Please know that I have your best interest at heart and some of these could be life-saving. For both of us.
- First, I’m tall and I have *BIG BOOBS*. If you have not read this, or this, or this, or never seen a single picture of me online, this could be of great importance to you. I stand nearly six-feet-tall and I have broad shoulders. Shopping at stores that carry only single-digit sizes or petite lengths has never been an option for me. If you stand beneath six feet, beware of The Girls. They are in a league of their own …… worthy of their own ZIP code …. otherwise known as the two appendages attached to my chest. If we stand next to each other, the picture might look something like this:
See? My friend, Jamie, here fits perfectly against my chest. Sidenote about Jamie: she’s also a blogger friend that I met in person this summer. She’s the bee’s knees and I love her so. She’s a tiny lil’ thing that resembles most of the ladies that call me friend: skinny, petite, and (in her words, not mine) lacking in the chest department. Mine are 100-percent real and, according to Reliable Sources, they are also soft and comfortable if you need a place to rest your head for a nap.
- Second, I am a hugger. (Is that a word? If not, I just made it one.) I don’t like hugs that are pathetic, like an arm around the shoulder or a pat on the back. That’s unacceptable. I want a full embrace, smash your face against my body, squeeze the air out of your lungs kind of hug. Take a breath, and come into the warmth that is Nicole. If you are not a touchy-feeling, huggin’ type of person, please warn me *BEFORE* I wrap you in my love.
- Upon our introductions, you’ll probably notice that I have a pretty strong Southern accent. “Y’all” and “All Y’all” are in my vocabulary, as are sweet tea, fried chicken, cowboys, and Mama and Daddy. If I get excited, my accent gets stronger. I will most likely embarrass myself.
- If I do not embarrass myself with my ridiculous accent, I’ll probably say something inappropriate. I’m notorious for this. If you’re offended, I’m sorry. You can blame it on my wicked sense of humor, addiction to 50 Shades, blatant honesty, or all of the above. Don’t worry, my parents and Husband are used to this and have learned to ignore most of my shenanigans.
- Speaking of Husband, that guy is my husband. Y’all are probably thinking I’m hiding his name as an identity precaution, but the truth is I really call him Husband. I called him this before we were married. It’s a good thing I don’t call him by his first name though, because he does have a pretty secretive job and if he told me what he did, he’d have to kill me. That’s highly unnecessary so we’ll continue on.
- I’m not sure if this is applicable to our meeting, but I’m putting it out there for my own safety: If there is food involved, do not be offended if I decline what you offer. I have a severe allergy to dairy (cow’s milk) and it would be a horrible shame to my health and longevity if I were to consume something made with milk, cheese, cream, or the like. Unless I am a millionbilliongabillion times sure that something is made without milk or other milk products, I will not touch it.
- Speaking of food and drink, I will bring a blue cooler full of ice and some type of chilled beverage. It might be sweet tea. It could be Cupcake Moscato wine. There’s a possibility I’ll have a banana snowcone. You just never know. One thing is for certain: I stay hydrated in the sweetest way possible. And, don’t be surprised if I show up with a Tervis cup or Mason jar. Keeping it real, people. Just keeping it real.
- Since our event is taking place at an artists’ studio, I should mention that I can’t draw a straight line with a ruler! Seriously, I have no artistic abilities whatsoever. However, I write well so at least my name will be spelled correctly (that’s the teacher in me!!!) and legible.
- I know this is probably hard to believe, the understatement of the century, but I’ve never missed a meal. In order to keep this record going, if anybody would like to grab a snack (or late supper) after our event, let me know. No pressure. This isn’t a date. You don’t have to pay my bill.
For a more complete “biography” of sorts, check out my ABOUT ME page.
Knowing all of this will either make you like me more than you did before, or stay far, far away. It will be obvious if I’m sitting by myself tomorrow. But I got a feeling that some of y’all have got a little spunk in your shorts and will get loud-n-rowdy right alongside me. Besides, a lady once told me, “Ev’rbody gotta a little freak in them. Let your freak flag fly, Nicole!” so I’m following her instructions. If I’m sitting alone, I’ll talk to my Inner Goddess about Gray-ish things, she always listens intently.
Ladies, I’m super-duper excited to meet all of you tomorrow. Please be nice to me.