I’m getting personal and this post is discombobulated.
When I was 12, my parents and I moved. This address change turned my world upside down. In true drama-queen fashion, my 6th grade teacher, Mrs. Mabry, found me on the floor of a bathroom stall crying because I was afraid of leaving what I considered “comfortable.” Lucky for me, we moved to a town 20 miles away … and in the same county. I began 7th grade in a new school and made friends quickly. Eventually, all was well in my sunshine-and-butterflies world. I began playing competitive golf and felt at ease on the golf course. I was also active at church, in the community, and at school. I felt validated, affirmed, and like I belonged. My worth was based on achievements and the acceptance of others. Even today, my hiccups are making other people happy and knowing they’re proud of me. And, yes, it is exhausting.
Since graduating high school, I’ve moved several more times. In fact, I’ve lived in seven cities since 2002 — Clay, KY; Louisville, KY; Beaumont, TX; Commerce, TX; Emory, TX; Crowley, TX; and Joshua, TX. Obviously, attending three universities in two states within a four-year period brought challenges, blessings, and moments of oh-shit. It’s been quite the roller coaster: hurt feelings, disappointments, dreams shattered, surprises, new opportunities, and love found.
Speaking of love, I cannot put into words how blessed I am. I rely on Husband’s strength because I often feel weak. His confidence and security amazes me. His words the other night, I only need affirmation from you, melted my heart. He does not need validation from other people. This is such a foreign concept to me. I’ve spent my life grading my worth based on affirmation from others. If I do enough, volunteer enough, serve enough, go enough, attend enough, or give enough, people will like me, accept me, and I will belong. Husband’s frustrations are valid: the standards and expectations in which I judge myself are foolish.
The fact of the matter is this: it does not matter how much I do or give, there will always be someone else with more influence, more talent, more time, more money, more, more, more. In my effort to be everything to everybody, I have failed miserably. However, I cannot keep my self-worth trapped in the perspective of others because my Creator says, “You belong to me.”
I am enough.