Husband has a thing about driving cheap vehicles. They’re (relatively) safe, but ugly as all get out. Most of the time, they are missing hub caps, have no center console, and few dents and dings are probable. However ugly, it’s a cheap ride.
With Husband, it’s all about cheap.
He peruses a particular online auction site that sells miscellaneous inventory and older vehicles owned by local municipalities. Most vehicles are used by law enforcement officers (cop cars), but the ones that Husband buys are usually driven by detectives, fire chiefs, or other city employees. Simply put, Husband’s Hoopties do not have holes in the roof from a light bar.
The first time I flew to Texas, Husband picked me up at Dallas/Fort Worth airport driving a “chariot” that was the most ridiculous, ugliest, piece-of-scrap my eyes had ever seen ….. it looked something like this (minus the light hanging near the driver’s side window):
I’m still wondering why I ever agreed to get in that hunk-of-junk. Perhaps it was the handsome fella behind the wheel. Bless his heart.
Before I entertain you with photos of Husband’s new hooptie, I should probably provide you with a definition and description of what a hooptie really is. For that, I’m going to the experts: UrbanDictionary.com
A hooptie is…
Any car that meets the following: a) driver must enter car through passenger side b) three different brand and size tires – 3 of them missing hub cap c) exhaust is held up by half a clothes hanger – other half replaces the antenna d) backfires every three blocks – loudest backfire being when car is turned off e) must open door at drive-thrus as windows don’t roll down f) you only get one AM station and the tape deck eats all tapes inserted g) can’t open the glove box as the whole thing will fall out h) if you let go of steering wheel while driving you’ll make a u-turn i) must manually move blinker lever up and down as it no longer blinks on it’s own j) must keep one foot on brake and one on accelerator when at a complete stop k) has had the same temporary registration sticker in the window for the last 18 months l) has all the above issues but still has a $200 professional tint job.Hooptie finds it’s origins dating back to the mid 1950’s. The original, corrupted phrase is ‘Coupe D’, referring to a Cadillac Coupe deVille. Over time, Coupe D was rolled together into hooptie. Used to describe everything from “any old car” or a large domestic sedan.
I am not exactly what you would call a fan of hoopties, but they have provided me with reliable transportation in desperate situations. In the summer of 2006, one of the hottest in Texas history, my car’s A/C went out. I had a job interview in Dallas and Husband Dearest (he was Boyfriend back then) graciously offered his car (ahem, hooptie) so I wouldn’t die of heat exhaustion.
He’s a really nice guy.
It’s been a couple of years since a hooptie has graced our property (thank you, Sweet Lord), but Tuesday night, Husband shared the inevitable:
Honey, I bought a hooptie.
(He really didn’t say Honey, I added that part. He doesn’t call me Sweetie, Babe, or Darlin’ either. We’re not into that lovey-dovey, mushy crap. I call him Husband, and I am Woman.)
The definition by UrbanDictionary is quite accurate of the hoopties that have been a part of my life and Husband’s preferred mode of transportation. The last hooptie was a ’92 Chevrolet Caprice and the right rear door would not open from the outside. The driver’s side window wouldn’t roll down either. It was h-e-double-hockey-sticks trying to pick-up multiple passengers at the airport or ordering a Route 44 cherry coke at Sonic.
Y’all have waited long enough, check out Husband’s new ride:
Former detective’s car: check.
No hub caps: check.
At least I don’t have to drive it.
I think the “police interceptor” means it goes faster than other hoopties.
According to Husband, this one is “really nice.”
Did I mention that I’m not driving this thing?
I love my husband dearly …… just can’t say the same about his ride.
A Toyota Camry Owner